Archive for the ‘Milestones’ Category

“Mind Over Matter” Doesn’t Apply to Poop

Monday, March 1st, 2010

Okay, so remember all that talk about OH POTTY TRAINING’S NOT THAT BAD!

Well, I take it back, people. I TAKE IT BACK.  I am not built for this, I’m afraid.  In fact, I just looked it up on WebMD, and I’m pretty sure it’s fatal.

If you don’t believe my hyperbolic proclamations, then 1. you’ve been here before, haven’t you?! and 2. let me offer some proof.

First, a run-down of the supplies that this household has acquired in an attempt to get one stubborn three-year old out of diapers:

1. One immediately-rejected, music-playing training potty.

2. One somewhat-tolerable kid-sized potty seat.

3. Another more decorative,and apparently less-tolerable kid-sized potty seat. (Should’ve stuck with #1…it’s not like you can return them.

4. A Travel potty, for the day we felt brave enough to venture further than 10 feet from our home bathroom.

5. Travel potty covers. (I’m not even sure how to use them.)

6. Pull-ups. I caved.

7. Several packages of big boy “underdies,” which are just as much fun to poop in as diapers!

8. Sticker chart, complete with the COOLEST stickers EVER.

9. One basket full of potty-time-only books.

10.And, a piddle-pad, for the car seat. Because sometimes, your kids are kind of like un-housebroken puppies.

But, unfortunately, this spectacular collection has not cracked him in the slightest, I’m afraid.  So we’ve resorted to mind-bending.  Oh, that’s right. I’m not above mild psychological experimentation.  AAAAND, SCENE!

*****

Me: [*knock, knock*] ARE YOU IN THE BATHROOM, DADDY?!

The Hub: [Muffled voice bellowing from behind closed door.] YES, I AM! I’M IN THE BATHROOM, MOMMY!

Me: OH, BOY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!

The Hub: I’M GOING PEE PEE ON THE POTTY!

Me: WOW! YOU SURE ARE LUCKY!

The Hub: THAT’S RIGHT! GOING PEE PEE ON THE POTTY SURE IS FUN!

[Dear God. Look at what has become of us.]

[Shaking my pride to the floor, I peer stealthily around the corner to see if my toddler has been swayed by the commotion.  He glances at me, and for a moment, I am hopeful...The Hub emerges, drying his hands on a small towel.]

The Hub: Hey, bud!

Plus One: Daddy? Why are you shouting at Momma?

Me: Oh, nono…Daddy wasn’t shouting…he was just, eh, excited about going potty, and…uhm…

The Hub: You need to go potty, buddy? Don’t you want some Spider Man stickers?

Plus One: [Nervous.] Umm, no thank you. [Scurries away.]

I’m pretty sure we’re doing this wrong. Next step? Pull up the carpeting and let him run around like a nudist. (Then call on grandma to watch him while I check myself into a, ah, “spa treatment facility.”)

straight jacket

“Don’t stare at the potty-training mother, kids. It’s RUDE.”

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Take a Message? I’ll Be in the Potty For the Next 12 Months.

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Well, I should start by apologizing for my absence around here as of late. The winter months are a bit of a marathon in my household.  My youngest turned one before Thanksgiving:

T9 one

Then, there was Thanksgiving:

sunburn

And Christmas:

santa 2009

Then, my eldest turned three:

PlusOneThree

And, of course, there was New Year’s:

new years

And finally, we commenced potty training.

And really, that last part right there? Try to read that part again with some dramatic film music or some slow-motion zooming or something. Because that last part should kind of say it all. And while I’m sure potty training is relatively far from many of your minds, I think at least some of you have already considered it. And if you’re anything like me, another half of you are already fearing it.

But before you start to hate me, let me point out that while I am usually the dramatic  type, I am NOT the JUST-YOU-WAIT-IT-GETS-SO-MUCH-WORSE-! type. So I’m not about to whine and preach about the torments of motherhood.  I’m actually here to tell you that it’s not really all that awful. Sure, it takes some time and pateince, but that’s kind of a given at this point, right? Haven’t you already been peed on? Puked on? Washed poop off your clothing and/or fingers?

The difference, I suppose, is that once you remove the diaper, there’s a bit more of a, um, probability-of-mess quotient. It naturally follows, then, that there’s the getting-used-to-the-smell-of-urine part.

EraofUrine

But, I like to equate it to smelling your own farts. They’re never as terrible as your husband proclaims. And that’s kind of how the potty training goes. It looks oh-so-awful in your mind, and when it’s happening to others. And, it kind of has it’s moments of oh-no-I-smell-poop-and-you’re-not-wearing-a-diaper! But in the end, it’s never really as bad when it’s your own kid’s urine.

Mostly.

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Posted in Humor, Milestones, Toddlers | 4 Comments »

Grandma is Endearing. Also, Kind of Annoying.

Monday, November 16th, 2009

grandmababy

The other day, my mother was over to spend some time with the kids while I booked a one-way ticket out of crazy town got some things done around the house.  After lunch, we sat around chit-chatting when my 11 month-old suddenly got very chatty.

Baby: Bah Bah Bah…BAH!  BAH BAH!

Me: You talking to Momma, little baby?

Baby: BAH! Bahbahbahbahgahbahdah…dahgahdabuhbah.

Grandma: Did you hear that, Kristine?!

Me: What, mother?

Grandma: He said bye-bye!

Me: Um…I didn’t hear that, exactly, no.

Grandma: Come on, baby!  Say, BYE BYE Grandma!  BYE BYE!

Baby: BahbahBUHBAH!

Grandma: SEE?!  Right there! He SAID IT!

Me: Right. I’ll go mark the calendar, Mom.

I can’t be certain, but I would’ve sworn I saw her Googling “Harvard Admissions” later that evening.

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Posted in Humor, Infants, Milestones, Tall Tales | 3 Comments »

Milestones

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

Ah, milestones. Those little achievements that mark the maturation of baby into boy (or girl), and for some mothers, even grounds for some in-your-face my-baby-is-better-than-yours bragging rights.

*LOVE* those moms.

But while there are the standard milestones that our pediatricians and books tell us to look out for, there are some that I find to be much more noteworthy.  For example, both T9 (aged 11 months) and Plus One (aged, 2 and 5/6 years) have recently come upon some really amazing accomplishments.  Please excuse the dramatic introduction…they’re really just THAT exciting to me:

T9’s FONTANEL is shrinking!  Oh, that’s right, this boy has had a crater in his head…a crater that THROBS…for AGES.  And it has grossed. me. out.  Also?  Induced anxiety.  Because, really…is it SUPPOSED to throb that much?  Is he dehydrated?  DOESN’T THAT HURT?!  But as he ages, the hole is getting much less noticeable.  Also, he has a bit of a patch of hair up there now, so that helps, too.

And Plus One?!  Plus One has reached the “Momma?Momma?Momma?Momma?Momma?Momma?” age! (!!)

Yeah, okay, this one is not exactly exciting.  Acutally it’s devastating.  But he still says things like “pampake” (pancake) and “perrrr-sick!” (perfect!) so that totally (mostly) makes up for the incessant talking.

And, as much as I absolutely HATED when people would tell me to “ENJOY IT!” when I first announced my kids’ births (ENJOY IT?! I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN 10 MONTHS!), I totally get it now.  My babies have up and left and these two little boys have come and taken their places!  If they weren’t so cute and agreeable (well…), I might have to call the authorities.  But we’ll give it a month…see how it goes.

(And *this* is totally how you get tricked into having MORE BABIES.)

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