I just recently completed my graduate courses at a local state college.  And while it was kind of difficult to juggle all that with two very young children, I liked that it got me out of the house, thinking of things other than poop and sleep schedules.  It also helped me in an area I wasn’t aware was lacking: my social graces.

You see, being home with children apparently allowed me to fall so utterly into MOMMY mode that I forgot how to, well, ACT…you know, around other people.  Here’s a memorable example of my trial-by-fire re-initiation back to the world of grown-ups.  Warning: it’s not pretty.

*****

One night, I had to stay late after class to talk with my professor about my paper.  A few minutes into our meeting, I get a call from my husband, who is home with the kids. In the background I can hear Plus One making a happy commotion. But for some reason, this clash of home-life and academia have made me slightly nervous.  Already, my awkwardness is infecting my speech. I am evidently uncomfortable mixing my scholastic and personal life. There is absolutely NO REASON for this other than my inability to be NORMAL in everyday situations.  Here’s an excerpt of the conversation:

The Hub: You on your way?

Me: [Suddenly, irrationally convinced my husband thinks I'm having an affair with my Professor.] Yeah, uh…sorry, I’m just uh…I’ll be a bit longer…I wanted to meet with my professor…we’re uh, you know, i have to write that paper…I just…I, uh…HEY! Is that Plus One in the background?

The Hub: Yeah, he’s telling me the water’s too hot for his bath. Alright, see you when you get home.

Me: [Overzealously] I LOVE YOU!

Him: Love you, too.

*click*

Me: [To my professor] Ah, that was just my husband! He’s giving my son a bath, and he’s so funny…T9, I mean Plus One! Oye, I’m always confusing their names…so sleep deprived, but you know, not so much that I can’t function, I mean, I do watch the kids all day, and they’re fine and everything…but anyway my son is always saying that the water is too hot, and I think he’s probably just saying that to because I normally give him the baths, but since I’m not home, my husband’s doing it…and this one time, we tried to show him how the shower works…

Professor: [Concerned]…is the water too hot?

Me: [A bit too eagerly]Oh, no! [nervous laughter] It’s just he has this thing with the word and sometimes with his food, and even when it’s like, I mean, I always cool his food for him, like practically serve it cold…but not really COLD-cold because I mean, I do cook it…unless it’s like a sandwich or something…

Professor: …so, where were we?

This might be a good time to note that I was sweating profusely by now and had regressed to the whole stick-your-lower-lip-out-and-blow-upward-toward-the-nose in an effort to cool off. I also mentioned the heat several times and talked about how I wished I had a hair tie while lifting my hair up off my neck and then promptly letting it fall again. Unfortunately, none of these strategies have a very significant effect on the current temperature.

A few minutes later…

Professor: So, this part…you mention this author, but I’m not sure I understand this quote. What was this article about?

Me: [stare]

Professor: [stare]

Me: Ohuh…right, gosh, I can’t remember the name of it…oh, that’s right, it was a book! Yeah, it was a book.

Professor: Okay, but what was it about?

Me: Oh man, what WAS that title? Implications…social theory…oh boy. I’m drawing a blank here [blowing with my lower lip] Boy! It’s hot! Ha! Gosh, it was like 42 degrees like a week ago, remember?

Professor: We can just go back to that later. In this section here, you can get rid of that APA bullshit, I think.

Me: [Not even listening. Now trying to blow toward the corner of my mouth to see if that changes anything] Okay, sure.

Professor: Sorry, is it ok that I just cursed?

Me: What? Did you? I wasn’t even paying attention…well, I mean, I was paying attention, of course, because I’m listening to you. But, you know, I didn’t even notice. Gosh, I mean, I curse all the time. My husband’s always yelling at me for it. Well, I mean, I don’t curse…like, not in front of the kids or anything. I’M A PERFECT PARENT! [Nervous laughter.]

Professor: [stare]

It’s amazing I go out at all, really.

__________

*BONUS!

Just in case this post was too long, I wanted to at least divert your attention to this fun announcment.  I’m going to be making an appearance on the Man Time Show tomorrow, Thursday the 22nd, at 1pm EST.  The topic is parenting, so things should be interesting, considering all the ridiculousness I seem to bring to the table.  You can even join in on the conversation via Twitter (use #mantime in your tweet!).

And if you don’t have the chance to tune-in live, be sure to check the link later in the day for the uploaded podcast!