Car Seats | Do as I Say, Not as I Do

Posts Tagged ‘car seats’

“Mind Over Matter” Doesn’t Apply to Poop

Monday, March 1st, 2010

Okay, so remember all that talk about OH POTTY TRAINING’S NOT THAT BAD!

Well, I take it back, people. I TAKE IT BACK. I am not built for this, I’m afraid. In fact, I just looked it up on WebMD, and I’m pretty sure it’s fatal.

If you don’t believe my hyperbolic proclamations, then 1. you’ve been here before, haven’t you?! and 2. let me offer some proof.

First, a run-down of the supplies that this household has acquired in an attempt to get one stubborn three-year old out of diapers:

1. One immediately-rejected, music-playing training potty.

2. One somewhat-tolerable kid-sized potty seat.

3. Another more decorative,and apparently less-tolerable kid-sized potty seat. (Should’ve stuck with #1…it’s not like you can return them.

4. A Travel potty, for the day we felt brave enough to venture further than 10 feet from our home bathroom.

5. Travel potty covers. (I’m not even sure how to use them.)

6. Pull-ups. I caved.

7. Several packages of big boy “underdies,” which are just as much fun to poop in as diapers!

8. Sticker chart, complete with the COOLEST stickers EVER.

9. One basket full of potty-time-only books.

10.And, a piddle-pad, for the car seat. Because sometimes, your kids are kind of like un-housebroken puppies.

But, unfortunately, this spectacular collection has not cracked him in the slightest, I’m afraid. So we’ve resorted to mind-bending. Oh, that’s right. I’m not above mild psychological experimentation. AAAAND, SCENE!

*****

Me: [*knock, knock*] ARE YOU IN THE BATHROOM, DADDY?!

The Hub: [Muffled voice bellowing from behind closed door.] YES, I AM! I’M IN THE BATHROOM, MOMMY!

Me: OH, BOY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!

The Hub: I’M GOING PEE PEE ON THE POTTY!

Me: WOW! YOU SURE ARE LUCKY!

The Hub: THAT’S RIGHT! GOING PEE PEE ON THE POTTY SURE IS FUN!

[Dear God. Look at what has become of us.]

[Shaking my pride to the floor, I peer stealthily around the corner to see if my toddler has been swayed by the commotion. He glances at me, and for a moment, I am hopeful...The Hub emerges, drying his hands on a small towel.]

The Hub: Hey, bud!

Plus One: Daddy? Why are you shouting at Momma?

Me: Oh, nono…Daddy wasn’t shouting…he was just, eh, excited about going potty, and…uhm…

The Hub: You need to go potty, buddy? Don’t you want some Spider Man stickers?

Plus One: [Nervous.] Umm, no thank you. [Scurries away.]

I’m pretty sure we’re doing this wrong. Next step? Pull up the carpeting and let him run around like a nudist. (Then call on grandma to watch him while I check myself into a, ah, “spa treatment facility.”)

straight jacket

“Don’t stare at the potty-training mother, kids. It’s RUDE.”

Tags: car seats, embarrassment, experience, grandma, Momma's Anxiety, poop, The Hub
Posted in Humor, Milestones, Tall Tales, Toddlers | No Comments »

1979*

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

I subscribe to the recall list for children’s products because it’s good to know if their beds are actually deathtraps in disguise, or if their teething rings have in fact been pumped full of rat poison. Plus, it makes me look really important because I’m more or less guaranteed an email once weekly.

But it also brings to light the stark contrast between today’s sense of child safety and that of, say my safety when I was a child. Take for example a recent conversation with my mother:

Me: But this catalogue is over the top, Ma. You can’t really think Plus One needs a frigging shampoo visor.

My Mother: Well, maybe not that, but this ear and throat exam kit might be helpful for the baby.

Me: Mom, you’re not lucid. I’m not a doctor! No. What the hell would I even be looking for in there? A Mucinex doll?

My Mother: Well, we just didn’t have things like this when you guys were little. We didn’t even have car seats, really.

Me: What do you mean you didn’t have them, really?

My Mother: Well, I mean, we kind of did…it was like a box that we’d put you in when you were real little…but…

Me: A box?

Yeah, so I did some research on this because I mainly wanted to see if this box was cardboard or what. Well, as it turns out, other people want to know how they survived their childhood as well because I found some pictures of some 1980s car seats (a little after my time but not by much).

Behold:

First: Wow, that’s a lot of nicely-styled hair.

Second: I fully remember a similar couch and blanket (and pillow!) from my childhood…which brings me to #3

Third: I’m pretty sure that kid could possibly be my brother and maybe my parents’ storage shed has been robbed.

But last: Uh, Mother? That doesn’t look like a BOX to me! I mean, sure, it looks completely unstable and a little like Stephen Hawking’s chair, but it’s not a BOX!(?)

Which begs the question…what the hell WAS my mother putting us in? Maybe I’m better off not knowing. At least she didn’t let us stay up late, go to the candy store owned by a pedophile, do heroin.

__________

*PS: I have to apologize for offending the delicate sensibilities of anyone who tuned in to hear my appearance on the Man Time Show. We were *supposed* to be talking about parenting, but, eh…discussed other matters.

Tags: car seats, grandma, how did we ever survive!?, safety
Posted in Humor, Tall Tales | 1 Comment »