Birthing classes.

Heh.  Sure, they help, like, a lot actually.  But as much as holding ice chips in my hand to simulate a contraction is helpful and all, with hindsight comes great vision.  Or bitterness.  Sometimes you get that, too.

But what I’m getting at here is that I’m pretty sure I’d include the following pointers if I were teaching Babies 101:

1. Babies are Born With Exposed Brains

Well, kind of.  “Technically” it’s called the fontanel, but I call it Zombie Access.   More than being paranoid the baby would injure his little baby noggin in some kind of impossible accident (and sure, a helmet wouldn’t be such a bad idea, would it?), I was more or less REPULSED by how it would rise and sink like the tides, occasionally throbbing at me like the Tell-Tale Heart.  The doctor assured me it’s all perfectly normal, but I was all, “Doc, I didn’t realize that babies came with horror-movie visual effects.”

2.  It’s More Than Likely That You Will Nearly Cut Your Child’s Finger Off (at least once)

The finger nails are so long and tiny, and the hands they’re attached to move incessantly!  And, unfortunately, I was never told about those nifty little mitts you can buy for newborns.  If I had, I’d probably have a kid with the Guinness World Record for longest baby nails.  Instead, I chopped away.  And learned the hard way to do it while they sleep.  Though, I’ll say while this method seemed to diminish the chance that I snipped baby instead of nail, it did not eliminate them.  I’m not sure who cried harder.

3.  Wow. They Fart.  A lot.

Holy gaseousness!  Because I was nursing, the nurse at the hospital was all, “Well, what did YOU have to eat MOM?!”  But the farting more or less remained constant as the sun for the first few months.  Not that farting is such a big deal, but it made me feel like such an amateur when I eyeballed the pediatrician suspiciously that first time I smelled baby puff.

4.  Your Mother Will Give Mostly Outdated And Useless Advice

You’d think they’d be experts, but holy crap!  It’s like they’ve miraculously forgotten every major event from all of their early parenting.  And what they do remember?  Well, it usually involves techniques or contraptions that are now known to cause certain death.  It IS a wonder we all survived, I tell you.

5.  It’s Okay to Think Your Baby Looks Like a Tortilla Chip When You First See Him/Her.

Well, that might be kind of specific, but my drift here is that I was nervous when my first thought wasn’t “Oh LORD, he’s the most beautiful thing EVER” but rather, “Wow, his nose looks remarkably similar to a certain Mexican snack.”  I felt guilty initially, un-mom-like (though not enough to stop me from repeating it to several people including my husband who finally said, “Enough, lady.” after the fifth or so mention).  And it loomed over me for a bit.  Am I cut out for this?  Have I already gotten it all wrong? Of course, in talking to some other mothers I realized I wasn’t (completely) defective, and that it’s wholly possible for you to see your baby and think both “tortilla” and “be still, my melting, melting heart” simultaneously.

In the end, with all the baby-class notes and new-mother nerves and they’re-sending-me-home-with-him-ALONE?! neurosis, I managed to keep both my kids alive.  You can only learn so much from other people about something so unique. After a few days, you’re pretty much the expert.

Imagine that.