I subscribe to the recall list for children’s products because it’s good to know if their beds are actually deathtraps in disguise, or if their teething rings have in fact been pumped full of rat poison. Plus, it makes me look really important because I’m more or less guaranteed an email once weekly.

But it also brings to light the stark contrast between today’s sense of child safety and that of, say my safety when I was a child. Take for example a recent conversation with my mother:

Me: But this catalogue is over the top, Ma. You can’t really think Plus One needs a frigging shampoo visor.

My Mother: Well, maybe not that, but this ear and throat exam kit might be helpful for the baby.

Me: Mom, you’re not lucid. I’m not a doctor! No. What the hell would I even be looking for in there? A Mucinex doll?

My Mother: Well, we just didn’t have things like this when you guys were little. We didn’t even have car seats, really.

Me: What do you mean you didn’t have them, really?

My Mother: Well, I mean, we kind of did…it was like a box that we’d put you in when you were real little…but…

Me: A box?

Yeah, so I did some research on this because I mainly wanted to see if this box was cardboard or what. Well, as it turns out, other people want to know how they survived their childhood as well because I found some pictures of some 1980s car seats (a little after my time but not by much).

Behold:

First: Wow, that’s a lot of nicely-styled hair.

Second: I fully remember a similar couch and blanket (and pillow!) from my childhood…which brings me to #3

Third: I’m pretty sure that kid could possibly be my brother and maybe my parents’ storage shed has been robbed.

But last: Uh, Mother? That doesn’t look like a BOX to me! I mean, sure, it looks completely unstable and a little like Stephen Hawking’s chair, but it’s not a BOX!(?)

Which begs the question…what the hell WAS my mother putting us in? Maybe I’m better off not knowing. At least she didn’t let us stay up late, go to the candy store owned by a pedophile, do heroin.

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*PS: I have to apologize for offending the delicate sensibilities of anyone who tuned in to hear my appearance on the Man Time Show. We were *supposed* to be talking about parenting, but, eh…discussed other matters.