One Good Egg

What came next

February 25th, 2010 by marty

This is part 2 of many where I talk about my most recent miscarriage. Read part 1 here.

So. My doctor had just confirmed that I’d miscarried several weeks ago. I don’t even know how to describe how it felt. I guess I mostly felt shock. Like I wanted to rewind and be back where I’d been 10 minutes ago, before I knew my baby was dead. Like it could just be a mistake or something.

After I got dressed, my doctor came back in the room. She said how sorry she was and told me I needed a D&C. She started to explain what that was, until I reminded her that I’d already had one.

My husband asked her how this could have happened. She explained that miscarriages were “almost always” the result of chromosomal errors. This didn’t sound right to me – I’d read that 50% of miscarriages are caused by them, but that it was usually other factors past 10 weeks. I asked about the baby aspirin – I’d stopped taking it the week of the miscarriage, and I thought that maybe I had a clotting disorder. She didn’t agree, and pushed the chromosomal error explanation again.

At this point I checked out of the why question. It didn’t make sense to me, given that the miscarriage happened after 12 weeks and my NT scan was clear. Plus, she was the one who’d told me to stop taking the baby aspirin, so it’s not like she’d be super enthusiastic about that explanation.

Then my doctor talked to me about setting up an appointment for my D&C – or D&E – the doctors weren’t consistent in what they called it. Unfortunately, this all happened on a Friday, which meant that we had to wait through the weekend before having a two part procedure on Monday and Tuesday to end the doomed pregnancy.

I cried on the way out of the doctor’s office. I didn’t care who saw me. As soon as we got in the car I started texting people the news – my manager at work, my friends. I decided I had to call my mom, that it wasn’t fair to text her the news, though the last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. She was great though.

The weekend was awful. I felt like shit. I felt like an imposter when I would have to pee every 20 minutes, or had to do other pregnant lady things. I couldn’t think about anything else or concentrate on anything. It didn’t feel real. And it felt like I’d been through the worst thing ever – except that it wasn’t over yet.

I’ll continue with the D&E in part 3.

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The Ultrasound of Doom

February 18th, 2010 by marty

This will be part 1 of many where I talk about my most recent miscarriage.

To set the scene, I was 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I had just told my manager the previous day that I was pregnant, and by this time, I’d told my friends and family as well. I was just starting to feel like I was really going to have a baby.

Also, as I mentioned in my last post, I’d spotted throughout my first trimester, from weeks 6 through 12. All my ultrasounds during this time showed a live baby with a beating heart. My OB told me that it was nothing to be concerned about. I had been taking baby aspirin, and she thought this might be the cause. She appeared irritated that I had put myself on the aspirin (because I’d had two prior miscarriages, and thought it might help), and told me I should stop taking it as 12 weeks. I did.

Miraculously (it seemed) at 12 weeks – right after my NT scan – the bleeding stopped. I was thrilled about this, as the bleeding had been a large source of anxiety for me.

However, at 15 weeks 1 day, I noticed some spotting again. I had had reassuring stark white toilet paper for a few weeks, so I decided to call my doctor. I felt silly doing it, thinking it probably was no big deal that that she was going to be irritated with me for wasting her time. As it turned out, she wanted to see me the next day.

I spent the entire evening crapping my pants and reading internet story after internet story about how someone else had this happen and they had an ultrasound the next day and it all turned out fine.

The next morning, we were scheduled to be seen at 9:30am. While we were sitting in the waiting room, I overheard my doctor talking about having to deliver a woman whose water broke early – it sounded like 20 weeks – that morning. The baby had died. I hoped that wasn’t a bad omen.

After a few minutes, we were taken back to an exam room, I got weighed, and then when I told the nurse why we were there, she moved us to an ultrasound room. My OB came in, and I told her what was going on. She got ready to do an abdominal ultrasound.

As soon as I saw the image on the screen, I starting willing the baby to move. It didn’t. I couldn’t see a heartbeat. The doctor looked confused, or surprised. She said, “Let’s try vaginally.” The dildo cam didn’t show a heartbeat either. When she put the heartbeat monitor on and I saw a flatline, I started to cry.

At this point, she told me she was “very concerned.” I was all, NO SHIT.

She then went and got one of her partners, who confirmed that there was no heartbeat and that the baby had died. It measured 12w0d, the day of my NT scan.

The doctors left and my OB asked me to put my clothes on, and then we would talk about what would come next.

I’ll continue this in part 2.

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Where I’m at now

February 11th, 2010 by marty

When I last posted, I was pregnant. I’m not now.

I miscarried a few months ago at 15 weeks. Well, I actually miscarried at 12 weeks, but I just didn’t find out right away.

I had spotted throughout my first trimester. I had been taking baby aspirin, and theorized that that was the reason. In any case, my doctor told me to quit taking it at 12 weeks, which I did. I had three great ultrasounds (at 6 weeks, 7 weeks, and 12 weeks) where I saw heartbeats and movement and a beautiful baby. The NT scan was perfect, and we were told we had a low chance of Down’s Syndrome or Trisomy 13 or 18.

And then, later that day, or maybe the next day, our baby died.

And that, frankly, really sucked. It sucked to have to tell work, and my friends, and my parents, that this baby wasn’t going to happen after all. It sucked to have to go pick up the maternity pants I’d dropped off to be altered. It sucked to put the ultrasound pictures away. And it sucked to have to have a D&E.

I’ll write about the Ultrasound of Doom, my D&E, and my experience with a miscarriage specialist in my next few posts. For now, what I mostly feel is that I can’t imagine being pregnant and dealing the anxiety again. I was a basket case this whole pregnancy – even after 12 weeks, when everything “should” have been fine. How am I ever going to believe that things are going to be fine again?

I got pregnant three times in 2009, and miscarried three times in 2009. Here’s hoping 2010 is my year.

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Update

November 10th, 2009 by marty

Wow, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. Here’s what’s been going on:

By my calculations, I’m 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant.
I’m still poking my boobs every other minute to see if I’m still pregnant.
The food aversions have kicked in. Vegetables are the YEECH. Fish is totally disgusting. Cereal is occasionally acceptable if it is Rice Krispies. Otherwise, it is verbotem. Coffee? Hurl.
I’m freaking terrified I’m going to miscarry this baby too.
My doctor won’t see me for another week and a half.
I haven’t told anyone except John, my therapist, and the receptionist at the doctor’s office about this pregnancy thing. Oh, and you guys.

Good times.

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Can you get fired for poking your own boobs?

October 30th, 2009 by marty

Because I can’t stop doing it. Even at work.

Still tender! Hopefully that means I’m still pregnant.

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BFP

October 29th, 2009 by marty

Wow.

Last night, I was sure that I was pregnant. I was nauseous, my boobs hurt, and I’d been cramping for days (usually, I don’t get cramps until I have my period). In addition, Fertility Friend gave me a score of 82pts on the pregnancy signs section.*

I met some friends for a concert and picnic in a park downtown. On the way there, I stopped off and bought some CANS OF WINE. Why would I do this? Because I didn’t want people to be remarking on me not drinking, and in a can – I could take pretend sips!

AndthendumpitoutwhennoonewaslookinghaveImentionedIhadn’teventestedpositiveokthanksbye.

I had a great time at the concert, and when I got home, the internet cheapies pregnancy tests that I’d ordered had arrived. I briefly considered waiting, then grabbed a mug to pee in and headed to the bathroom.

It was a BFP! (BFP = Big Fat Positive)

Now, I’m going to try not to get too excited. I know how it feels to get knocked down after getting knocked up. But, for today, I am still pregnant, and I am happy.

* I have to say, this thing has been dead-on accurate for me. I’ve never been above 20pts when I’m not pregnant, and have always been above 50 when I have been.

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The Two Week Wait

October 26th, 2009 by marty

This is the first two week wait (2ww) where I have decided to act like a pregnant woman during my luteal phase. This means limiting myself one cup of coffee per day, not drinking alcohol (though I have had a few sips, here and there – mostly in social situations to avoid pregnancy inquiries), taking prenatal vitamins and baby aspirin, no melatonin, etc.

In the past, I decided to just act normal until I saw a positive pee stick. I figured that to do otherwise would put too much pressure on the whole experience. I also thought that I would feel like a little bit of an imposter – like I was pretending to be pregnant, when really I was just an wishful-thinking infertile.

The thing is, with my last 2ww, I kept thinking, wait, should I have a second cup of coffee? What if I’m pregnant? Maybe I should test! Or, drinks tonight! Better test! And it just put so much pressure on everything.

What about you? Do you limit pregnancy forbidden stuff in your luteal phase? Or wait until you pee on a stick?

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Deed = Done

October 16th, 2009 by marty

Margaritas and a home cooked meal were indeed the ticket. Ideally, we will give it a go a couple more times over the next few days, but the pressure is off.

Now. So remember how last time I was worried that something else would go wrong, now that we have the ovulation problem fixed?

My new obsession is with how light my periods have been. Before I went on the pill, I usually had periods that lasted eight days. EIGHT. And they were often quite heavy and painful, to boot. (Clearly my teenage self was being punished for being such a smartass. And maybe for her bangs, too.) I remember one particularly bad period in college where I laid on my bed crying from the pain and took seven Advil in a row. I knew this wasn’t a good idea, but the cramps was so bad that in the moment I didn’t care what happened. I just wanted it to stop.

And yes, I know that if the pain was that bad it probably would have been a good idea to go to the doctor and go on the pill. Guess where I went to college? Notre Dame! So not done there. After college, though, I did go on the pill, and I was in a nice, happy place of four to five day periods with little pain.

When John and I started trying to conceive, of course, I had no periods, and I got pregnant without having one first. So now, following my miscarriage, is the first time that I’ve been ovulating since, oh, 2002. And the thing is, they are really light now. I usually have two days marked “medium” on Fertility Friend, and two days marked “light.” This is even lighter that when I was on the pill.

Of course, the worrier in me assumes that ZOMG I IS BROKEN and decides to inquire with Dr. Google. As far as I got was Dr. Google’s waiting room, which is filled with other women who have asked this same question. I haven’t found any real answers. But I’m worried that the D&C somehow damaged my uterus or something. Maybe the scraping was too thin. Or maybe there’s an adhesion or something.

Or maybe my body’s just changed with time.

Have your periods changed over time? Or are you just disgusted by an entire post about my periods and want me to talk about something else next time?

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Postive OPK, Cervical Fluid, Margaritas

October 15th, 2009 by marty

So, here we are – positive OPK today. We’ve got fertile cervical fluid. Now I just have to try to get my husband into bed as much as possible before I actually ovulate.

(The Sperm Meets Egg plan devolved into the Shit, I’m Tired. Maybe Tomorrow? Plan, by the way. But we tried!)

I have to say that the thought of actually getting pregnant doesn’t even seem like a remotely likely outcome at this point. I mean, I know that it’s not actually all THAT unlikely. I’ve managed it before. It’s just that I’ve been unsuccessful for so long that it feels like I’m just … broken. It feels like a motion we have to go through until we go back the reproductive endocrinologist.

(Assuming that we can afford to go back to the RE, of course. Which we probably can’t.)

Anyway. We’re having margaritas and a home-cooked dinner tonight. Hopefully that’s good for another shot at a baby.

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Sperm meets Egg

October 8th, 2009 by marty

My husband and I are on day six (or so) of the Sperm Meets Egg Plan. Basically, this means that we do the deed every other day until I ovulate, plus that day, and the day after that. Then we can rest for two weeks until I either get my period or see a positive pee stick.

I don’t know about y’all, but – DUDE. That is a lot of deediness to be done. Especially if you tend to have later ovulations, like me.

We’ve never really been quite as active as the Sperm Meets Egg Plan suggests. My sex drive was pretty low for years thanks to my over-exercising and eating disorder – the same thing that led to my hypothalamic amenorrhea. Now, things are much better in that arena, but every other day still seems like a lot of work. After thinking about it, I have compiled a list of Unsexy Things Killing My Sex Drive, Not To Mention My Husband’s.