The past few days, I’m feeling moderately depressed. Is it circumstantial or is it hormonal? That is the question. Odds are, it’s a little bit of both. From my experience in relationships, when one partner is having a tough time, the other one is meant to be there for support. Trouble is, both J and I are in need of some TLC these days and thus, neither of us is fully able to give it. And so the distance sets in. I feel alone. He doesn’t talk. He is man. I am woman. Only in the most primal sense, we can’t even get that right since I’ve gotten so huge (and uncomfortable) I have no idea how we’re supposed to be able to have sex anymore.
Somewhere deep down, I think doing the deed regularly would help matters… bring us closer… (even if there is a baby foot nestled in my ribcage the whole time and the very act itself has devolved into a slapstick comedy of errors), but I can’t even come close to summoning the interest. Let’s face it, I can’t catch my breath at night and when I wake in the morning, my bones ache courtesy of relaxin. Dash has an uncanny ability for telling exactly when I’m falling off to sleep, taking it as his cue to practice for a 2024 run at gold in floor exercise and I’m back to peeing at least three times a night, only now, my bladder (too compressed to fully function) has about all the power of a prune (and is likely about that size). With that in mind, how am I supposed to tolerate (nevermind actually enjoy) what would sadly amount to further prodding–by a person twice my size? Did I mention the stabbing pains in my hinterlands? To think, I used to complain about getting a Brazilian!
Indeed (and however ironically, considering how we got here), I am NOT in my sexual prime. And I’m terrified I won’t return there for some time… two things that only serve to deepen my despair. Where has Stephanie gone? And will somebody put her back when this whole thing is over?
As if being in total discomfort and existential crisis 24/7 isn’t enough (we won’t even get into the economy, the job market, the reality that I may be forced into de-facto stay at home motherhood at a big cost to my lifestyle… and ego), I still resent J for not trying to get it on with me… despite the fact that I know he’s just being courteous! (Besides, who in their right mind would want to f*@k me right now in the first place?) I’m aware that I’m sending mixed messages… and the code is so complex, I can’t even decipher it myself!
Finally, add to this whole debacle that I have about this much energy and even less tolerance for the myriad of ridiculous things that annoy me and one thing is clear. Six weeks into my marriage, I am not the best wife. And I hate myself for it. What’s even worse is that I have no idea what to do about it… except, that is, to wait, which is inordinately difficult for someone with my proactive personality type. Patience is not my virtue, but I know I’ve got to find some way to implore it… and that way cannot involve Xanax, Ambien or any worthwhile amount of red wine. Don’t French babies drink while in utero? Argh!!!
Luckily, the one and only thing I know I can truly count on at the moment is that this too, shall pass. Just don’t remind me of that fact because I’ll be honest… your use of bad cliches (in reference to my situation… or anything else for that matter) will definitely piss me off.
Tags: depression, hyper-sensitivity, marriage, mood swings, pregnancy discomfort, Relationships, sex drive, stress, uncertainty
Hello there,
Let me just say – I hear you. I am about 6 weeks away from delivering & the last time my husband and I even attempted sex was somewhere in month 7. Having always had a pretty healthy sex life, it is quite depressing when you can’t connect even on that level. Talking about it does help some – although on the other hand they are men so getting them to talk about it is another matter. Unfortunately it is just something you have to get through. Friends of ours did not have sex their entire pregnancy & she delivered by c-section so it was a while afterwards as well before they even attempted to get that part of their marriage back. But it did come back and they are a happy healthy little family now.
Repeat to yourself – “I am not a bad wife. I am just seriously pregnant.” There just isn’t much you can do about it right now. A whole other person has taken over your body and is sucking any energy you have out of you. Just be nice to yourself for the next several weeks. While it is true that women have babies every day – this is happening to you personally & it is a big deal.
& yes, if you truly want to get yourself back after you have your baby, then you will.